Drug Testacapade

My employer finally broke the news that I would need to take a drug test in order to be qualified for employment. This came about after already working for a month in my new position. I got the address and phone number for the local drug testing lab. They opened up at 7:30am so I told everyone I’d probably be to work by 8:00am... Mistake.

I got up on Tuesday morning and did my usually morning stuff including showering, brushing my teeth, getting dressed...and, regretfully...spending a little time in the bathroom... Mistake.

Off to the drug testing lab. Upon entrance I noticed a pretty cool cross-section of workingman culture. Fed Ex truck drivers, little old ladies, general laborer types; they were all there for the same reason, to pee in a cup. After filling out some paperwork I started browsing through the tattered magazines in the lobby. Luckily I was one of the first names called. The thought never crossed my mind that I would be there for the next 2 HOURS!

I was escorted to a bleak looking bathroom by a man who appeared to be a doctor (or at least wore some doctor's scrubs). He peeled of the lid on a 8 oz. plastic cup and asked that I "provide a sample" and not to flush (actually the toilet didn't even had a handle to flush if I chose to do so).

I closed the door and got down to work... and work... and work some more. Unfortunately my earlier morning routine precluded me from peeing in the cup! I strained and sweated but could produce no more then a couple of ounces for the urine vampires. After realizing that I had now been in the bathroom for a good five minutes I started to get a little anxious that my delay might appear suspicious. I slinked out of the bathroom and sheepishly gave the doctor-type man my sample.

He looked at my couple of ounces and cringed. Next, he popped the top on a disposable plastic test tube and began to fill it up, tapping the cup on the lip of the test tube to get the last drop.

Holding it up to the light trying to determine the pee meniscus, "It’s not enough" he said...

Oh, geeze... "Okay", I told the guy. "I’ll give it another shot (no pun intended)".

"I’m sorry Mr. Hammond. We can’t add to an existing sample. There’s coffee and a water cooler in the lobby."

It was now 8:30am and I'm sucking down alternating cups of Folgers and water like a man lost in the desert. I can feel my insides sloshing back and forth as I get up for each new cup. The steady stream of visitors has slackened and now myself and a leather clad biker guy are the only ones left in the waiting room. It's 9:00am and I'm feeling my oats... It’s time.

I lean over the desk and tell the doctor-type man that "I’m going to give it another shot (no pun intended)." Back into the bathroom with another plastic cup. Again I strain and work until I'm starting to sweat.

No flow from below.

I'm working so hard that... Well... I'm a little concerned that I might have to... umm... go #2. The minutes pass by and still the cup is dry. My stomach begins to feel upset and I realize as I work away that I now REALLY do need to go to a bathroom. One that flushes!

Once again I peer out the door and look for the doctor-type man.

"I'm sorry, but um... no luck... I actually have to go to the bathroom and that might get things flowing... Is... um... that possible?"

The man wearing scrubs rolls his eyes and shows me to another bathroom which appears to be the employee bathroom. I follow with my cup. I ask the guy, "Is this okay? Should I flush?" He gives me an exasperated look and tells me I can definitely flush.

Cup in hand I manage a good four ounces… It’s now 9:30am. I quietly grab my paperwork and start racing off to the office. So what should I tell my co-workers? He dropped the sample? The place was very busy? Hmmm…